It's Not About Me

I've been reading "When God Whispers Your Name" by Max Lucado. It's an awesome book. The chapters are short and manageable - perfect to pull out for a little break between the stressors of my day. I started it at the beginning of the semester and I'm slowly working my way through it because its so good, I want to soak it all in. There are many chapters that i've read multiple times because I don't want to miss anything.

Anyways, my favorite chapter thus far is "The Choice." In essence it has changed me dramatically. My routine is different, my reactions and priorities are different, and its all because my mindset is different...

The chapter shows that in the midst of all the junk we face in life we have choices - choices of how to respond. The push is to respond in alignment with the Fruits of the Spirit, which are of the God which we are to imitate! Imitate means to use somebody or something as a model, attempting to copy an existing method, style, or approach - basically, to be or look like something else. The way we do that is by bearing what he bears - His fruit. What we produce is the basis of other's opinions of us, so if we produce what Christ produces then they should recognize that we are like Christ.

Galatians 5: 22, 23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

• I choose to love when I'm not loved in return. I choose to love when my natural reaction is judgement. I choose to love when it takes all of my energy. I choose to love what is different and uncomfortable. I choose to love in whatever form the other needs.
• I choose joy when it is easier to complain. I choose joy when it seems all life is against me. I chose joy when my spirit is hardened. I choose joy when resentment feels better. I choose living in Christ's joy instead of the world's happiness.
• I choose peace when all else is in conflict. I choose peace when retaliation is more fun. I choose peace in knowing I am forgiven, and in forgiving others. I choose peace when it means in making amends I must admit fault even when it isn't min.
• I choose patience when it doesn't accomplish anything. I choose patience when my tasks are long and the time is short. I choose patience when someone is really testing me. I choose patience when it puts my selfish priorities aside.
• I choose kindness when I haven't been shown kindness. I choose kindness when I don't feel sympathetic. I chose kindness when others are different than me. I choose to show kindness in words and actions.
• I choose goodness when dishonesty would be easier. I choose goodness when it means I have to sacrifice. I choose goodness even when I won't get recognition for it. I choose goodness even when nobody would catch me in my sin.
• I choose faithfulness when I want to go back on my word. I choose faithfulness when another option is better. I choose faithfulness when I don't feel committed anymore. I choose faithfulness when that which I am being faithful to is not faithful to me.
• I choose gentleness when harsh-words are natural. I choose gentleness when I can only get what I want by force.  I choose to only raise my voice in praise and clench my fists in praise. I choose to only be rough with myself when making demands.
• I choose self-control when my natural instinct is to react in anger. I choose self-control when it means getting ready of something when I can't control it. I choose self-control when my desires are strong. I choose self-control when I'd rather out act.

I just finished Eccesiates (1:1-11 is my favorite!) this morning. It's the "everything is meaningless" book. If you don't read it with the right understanding you'll likely get confused. The writer is not pessimistic, he is only emphasizing how a life not centered on God and holiness is meaningless. Without Christ, nothing can satisfy (wisdom, pleasures, work, etc - it's all meaningless and has no true reward). With Christ as the reason for life, we can gratefully receive the good gifts He gives and enjoy life. 

So, how am I making sure my life is not meaningless? .... Imitating Christ by sowing His fruits in my life. I'm using this for Kingdom-work instead of Jessie-work. Cause a life all about me is meaningless.

Modern Day Miracle

Last Friday God used me in a crazy way. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but eventually I caught on and I was amazed at how He orchestrated the situation. It was simple to me really, but to the girl God was having me reach out to it was huge. So, here's the story, I'll do my best to show the awesomeness of God's plan. This is probably going to be long but personally I think it's worth reading :)

Friday was homecoming which meant there was one massively huge chapel instead of two. As a chapel scanner I normally arrive at chapel around 9:45 but this day I didn't need to be there till 10:25 to be ready for the 11:00 chapel. I woke up early to talk to some friends in the Philippines, had a great time, then had plenty of time to finish getting ready for my day. "Mistakenly" I started getting ready at 9:00 (planning on being there at 9:25) instead of 10:00. So I arrived at the chapel building, confused as to why it was so empty - the computers to scan weren't even set up. It was just the chorale members who were arriving early to practice. At this point I still hadn't realized my "mistake" of arriving 1 hour early. So, I sat down to wait for other scanners and read a magazine.

The student secretary came up and asked me if I was just here early for scanning. I just assumed she didn't know I had to be there at 10:25 and really everyone else was late. So I said yes, then she asked me a strange question. "There is a chorale girl who feels like she is going to have a seizure. Can you sit with her so the other chorale members can practice?" I said, "uhh, sure," thinking that I was crazy to do such a thing - I am possibly the least medical person you know. If this girl actually has a seizure I would not know what to do! I walked into the dark room where the girl was seated with two of her friends. They thanked me for coming and said "she feels like she's gonna have a seizure, thanks for sitting with her." Then left, I was like Gee, thanks. Now what do I do? If this girl really has a seizure, I don't have the slightest clue what to do. So, I just sat there and waited.

After awhile the silence grew awkward. I didn't know what the girl was feeling, aside from the supposed crumminess that an on-coming seizure makes you feel. So, I started to strike up a conversation, not knowing if she wanted silence or a distraction. She enthusiastically responded to most questions, so I thought the break in silence was okay. Quickly my heart went out to this girl - what kind of life it must be to be plagued with this illness and the constant fear of having a seizure at any moment. She took meds together that she shouldn't have and was assuming the blame herself for causing the pre-seizure symptoms. After the conversation died down (I mean really, what is there to talk about in a situation like that? The weather, the colts? I don't think so...) I continued to pray for her in my heart. I prayed for healing, peace, comfort, encouragement, and that the Lord's will would be seen and done in her and I. After about 15 minutes of prayer I would lose words, then there'd be awkward silence till I couldn't bare it any longer, we'd attempt a conversation, and then I'd start praying in my heart again.

So I get to looking at the clock and think chapel should start any minute... then it hits me... and I realize that it's only 9:45 at this time and I didn't have to be there till 10:25. Humbly I admit to you that I was frustrated that I arrived so early when in reality I could've returned to bed and got a nice long nap before coming. But, then my second thought was the reason for writing this story. I honestly believe God ordained me to arrive there 1 hour early just to sit with this girl. It was not a mistake to Him that I came early - it was part of His plan the whole time! I was humbled that He would use me in such a simple way. But I still had no clue what that meant - if this girl had a seizure I would be of no help at all. Either way, I accepted this as a responsibility and continued to fervently pray for her.

Then the girl told me she was really nauseous and then pulled a trash can close and was literally huddled around it. Maybe you knows this and maybe you don't - but I do not deal well with vomit; chances are high that if this girl lost it, then i would lose it too. Again, this girl had no idea who I was. She was weak and in a vulnerable state. I'm sure she would have preferred to be with her friends or family, not a stranger. I know that when I'm sick I want left alone. But, how could I leave her now? I could not do such a thing! She needed someone there with her, though I was not really qualified (medically), I was the only one there to do it, in fact I'm the one who was called to do it.

Eventually I felt the spirit's conviction to talk to this girl about how I thought the Lord led me there. But, I kept giving myself excuses why I shouldn't. When she was super nauseous, I told myself she just needed quiet so she could rest. When the chorale was loud with practicing, I told myself that I would have to speak too loud above them to be heard. I told myself that it is just a coincidence, I told myself that prayer will be enough, and I told myself that I'd look like an idiot sharing this with her. I didn't know anything about this girl's faith or conviction, whether she's in a deep relationship with the Lord, a shallow one, or none at all. I didn't feel like I was qualified to share with her (dumb feeling) like I wasn't qualified to take care of her medically. Eventually the conviction won out and I shared. I just worked up the nerve and once the first words came out I was fine.

"You know, I arrived really early by mistake today. But, I don't think it was a mistake. I think God sent me early so I could sit with you so that you don't have to be alone. It's a pretty simple task. While I hope and pray that you don't have a seizure and that you feel better soon, I know God is here and He's working with a purpose." She just smiled and looked down. Then I told her I'd been praying for her and will continue as long as I'm in the room and she's feeling ill. At that point she smiled even bigger, looked up at me, and said thanks.

I don't know what that meant to her. I don't know if it made a lasting impact or not. What I do know is that we serve a mighty King and I was obedient to His calling. Surely she was encouraged like I was to know of God's faithfulness in the midst of trouble and how He uses His servants in simple ways to reach out.

Less than 10 minutes later I asked her how she was feeling and she said she didn't think she was going to have a seizure anymore - the feeling completely passed. I had goosebumps when she told me. You know what I think? What I know? God healed her - He answered prayers and touched her body. I consider this a miracle. I can only think that if I would've verbalized my witness to her earlier that He would have healed her earlier. Nonetheless, God worked in His perfect timing and used me to be a part of this. I know I learned a lesson from this - to be obedient to His calling and vocalize my faith. I'm still praying for that girl (whose name I left out for privacy). Not necessarily that she's still seizure free, though that's important, but more importantly that her eyes are open to God's work in her life!

I think I'd willingly sacrifice a nap any other day for something like that to happen again!