Unemployment

One of my favorite old ladies at church called me over to her yesterday and shared this quote with me - "God's got really long sleeves. You never know what's up them!" She knew I'm really discouraged about not having a job and wanted to encourage me. Sometimes old people are just the greatest, unless you're driving or walking behind them ;) This particular lady is real spunky!

I'm getting really tired of not having a job. I had one, but then God closed the door. I "have reasons" to be bitter about it, but bitterness isn't worth the energy it sucks up. So, I've applied to basically every social service place in my surrounding area. I'm not being picky, I just prefer to not relocate. Anyways, on one of my breaks from researching jobs, writing resumes, and filling out applications i met with a dear friend for coffee. We had such a great time and both left so encouraged. I was sharing one of my stories for her, but God probably used it even more to speak to me in my present situation.

My sophomore year of college I signed up to lead a mission trip with World Impact (school organization). I was all set and ready to go to Haiti, but God closed the door. So, I made other arrangements and started preparing to go to Honduras. But God closed that door too. I was so frustrated and discouraged. I had no clue what God was doing. It wasn't what I wanted. But, then God opened a door to the Philippines. I had already been there, but this time God wanted me to lead my own team there. I obeyed and went. If I wouldn't have gone... yikes. I wouldn't have met Aldean. I wouldn't have as many great friends there as I have. I would not have learned the lessons I've learned there or made the spiritual and personal growth. I wouldn't know the love of the Pablo family. I wouldn't have kids calling me Ate. I wouldn't have tasted the wonder of lumpia sariwa, tamarind, or taho. And, I wouldn't have gone back, and back, and back again.

So, how's that apply to my life now? Well, God has closed one door already. I don't know how many more jobs I won't hear back about, letters/emails saying the position has been filled, or interviews I'll go to without getting offered a job. But, God is still faithful and He has a plan. This is stretching me and testing my faith and reliance on Him, but I hope it will prove me to be faithful and obedient. I must trust He will provide (because He will!) and pray for His direction, wisdom, and guidance. There's a lesson to learn in all of this and hopefully a wonderful job along the way.

Lord, show me your will and draw me to my knees.

Lessons from Rochester

I spent the last year of my life in Rochester, New York. I came here for grad school, but learned so much more than that. I came expecting to really just go with the flow and focus strictly on academics. But, it has been so much more than that.

I go to a small group Bible study on Sunday nights in a family's home. This has been a wonderful experience. Our last Sunday together, they asked me to share about all the things I've learned while I've been here.

* God has taught me the importance of community. I need to prioritize people - it's not about things or grades. The people around me have been such a blessing, a support system and true source of encouragement. I need to invest in others and allow them to invest in me.

* I learned the importance of my friends and family. At times, it was so very hard to be away from my loved ones at home and in the Philippines. I cherished the quality time I have had each time I had a chance to go home. I am more than excited to go home, but now with renewed interest in developing those relationships even further and utilizing them for what they really can be.

* This was my first time to be "on my own." I learned more about cooking and budgeting. I learned about keeping up a car and house. 

* While I was here, I experienced some of the driest spiritual times of my life. It is so difficult to get back up once you've been down, but God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him. He was available when I sought Him. God helped me develop more intimate personal devotion time. He taught me the importance of getting fed throughout the week and not only relying on nourishment and rejuvenation at church. I cannot let my spirituality be circumstantial. I also learned it is my responsibility to be proactive to avoid temptation. 

* Since January, James 1:19 has been key. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." I don't like to admit it, but I have a temper. I never wanted to be "that person" who was known to have a short fuse, but most people who know me well, know it anyways. So, I finally admitted this to myself and decided to work on it. God worked in me in this area and helped me find success (though this is still an area to work on). I believe my reactions are now more gentle and thoughtful. I give God all glory and praise for this, because this is definitely not something I could do alone!

* I have learned how to be a witness in small ways. I can't directly share or witness at my internship, because I am in a public school. I have learned how I can be a light through my actions and lifestyle. I've also faced this in my house, where I sit back when stuff happens instead of being a positive light. If I can't even shine in little ways, when and where it is easy, how can I expect God to put me in "big situations" and trust me to make a difference. 

* I practiced the spiritual disciplines as a requirement for my social work and theology class. Through this, I grew so so so much. God made "teachability" a key word for my life this semester. I reflected on my life and the things I want to change about myself (personality, character, habits, etc). Self-awareness is key to growth. I opened myself to learning to become a better person, more Christlike.

* God taught me He is ultimately in control. I can't even control the things I think I can control. 

* God has amazed me while I've been here. First, He got me to Rochester. This school was not even on my radar of a possibility, I hadn't even heard of it. I never wanted to go so far away for school. But being here has been the best thing. God got me a wonderful internship, way better than I could have expected or dreamed - seriously so perfect for me! God provided me housing and great housemates that I got along with well (we had fun together and were good support). He kept me safe and healthy. He sent a mild winter. He provided the way for me to go to the Philippines for Christmas break when Aldean couldn't come here. He led me to a church with a wonderful small group Bible study to be apart of. He healed my grandma, so she's there to keep loving me when I get home. I think He has even provided me a house to rent when I get home, to prepare a home for my husband and myself. I also have a job after graduation. A job that practically fell into my lap. I'm super super excited about it!

* Finally, I learned to become more laid back.

These are just some of the lessons I learned while being here. None of these were easy processes. Worthwhile change is always hard. They're also not immediate, so I still have work to do. Hope I never forget this things.

Philippians 3:13, 14: "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

The small town where I lived is Churchville. Maria and Margie were two of my housemates. This was taken one of our first weekends here. 

Why do I stress so much? I wish I knew the answer.

Why do I stress so much???
I wish I knew the answer.
Only a few days left until graduation. In twelve days I will walk across the stage to get my Masters of Social Work. I only have one paper left to write, and it's already half-way done. I only have 3 more days of internship. I only have two more classes left.
I'm not stressed about my academics.
I'm stressed about packing, and loading everything into the car.
I'm stressed about "hosting company" when two of my housemates are also "hosting company" at the same time. There will be 10 people staying in our house and 8 others staying in hotels.
After that is all said and done, there will just be new things for me to stress about.
Why do I stress so much???
I wish I knew the answer.
When I get home, I'm going to be stressed unpacking my things.
I'm going to be stressed moving back into my room... at my parents house.
I'm going to be stressed looking for housing, and wondering if I found the "right" place at the "right" price.
I'm going to be stressed about my job. I am stressed about my job.
I'm going to be stressed about borrowing a car when I don't own one.
I'm going to be stressed about paying back my school loans and supporting myself.
I'm going to be stressed about transitioning back to life at home.
I'm going to be stressed about buying a new computer. I am stressed about a new computer.
I'm going to be stressed about planning a wedding... stressed about bridesmaids dresses and groom/groomsmen attire... stressed about family attending... stressed about the reception... stressed about the date... stressed about the photography... stressed about the honeymoon.
I'm stressed about loosing weight for it.
I'm stressed about Aldean's fiance visa. Stressed about where he'll live till we're married.
Why do I stress so much???
I wish I knew the answer.
I'm stressed that I'm so stressed.
I'm stressed that I'm always stressed.
I'm tired of the stress never going away.
Life is good. I am happy. I am healthy. I am blessed. I take care of myself.
I know God has control. I know things will work out alright.
But I'm still stressed.
I don't think a vacation will help.
Why do I stress so much???
I wish I knew the answer.
I think I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder....
I think I always have....
I just don't want to admit it...
I studied to learn to help other people with this. But I can't help myself through it.
Why do I stress so much???
I wish I knew the answer.

Sentimental

The warm(ish) weather today has me feeling rather sentimental. I'm sure if I just ignored this feeling it would go away, but alas I chose to blog about it instead.

Reflecting on the past 9 months of living in New York has made me realize how much I'm going to miss when I move to the Philippines. I've only got 2 more months here before going back to Indiana, for an uncertain length of time before moving to the Philippines.

First and foremost, I'm going to miss people. Lots and lots of people. I can't even begin to mention specifics otherwise I'd never stop. (So don't have hurt feelings, because if you're reading this I'm probably gonna miss you too!)

I'm going to miss Reed family reunions in my backyard and Reed family Christmas Eves.

I'm going to miss Thanksgivings with the Ache family and Ford reunions in the summer.

I'm going to miss family game nights.

I'm going to miss K Love Radio.

I'm going to miss my independence of driving wherever and whenever I want.

I'm going to miss playing board games all night long at the Henry's on New Years eve.

I'm going to miss the smell of Spring rain.

I'm going to miss Brookhaven Wesleyan Church and Epicenter youth group.

I'm going to miss English church services, Bible studies, and prayer meetings.

I'm going to miss Mississinewa Valley Band concerts (did I really say that???)

I'm going to miss riding my bike around town.

I'm going to miss family dinners on Sunday with grandma.

I'm going to miss hearing my family yell at the TV when it's on Game Show network.

I'm going to miss my favorite restaurants - Bob Evans and Ivanhoes.

I'm going to miss having a pet cat.

I'm going to miss meat not on a bone.

I'm going to miss girl nights at Janna's.

I'm going to miss watching my Henry and Vinluan kids grow up.

I'm going to miss watching my family grow with more nephews and nieces.

I'm going to miss American pizza. I'm going to miss frozen pizza.

I'm going to miss corndogs and tenderloins.

I'm going to miss James Dean Days and the 4H fair.

I'm going to miss Junior Bible Camp, Jr & Sr High Camp, & Family Camp at Fairmount campgrounds. I may never get to experience a "Married Couples Retreat" there either.

I'm going to miss carry-in dinners at church... They have them in the Philippines, but it won't be the same.

I'm going to miss Pastors appreciation month, kids programs, and the Easter pageant (still not the same)

I'm going to miss microwave and toaster ovens (do they have those in the Philippines? I don't think so...)

I'm going to miss family birthday parties, Mothers Day with my mom, and Fathers Day with my dad

I'm going to miss ice-cream cake with my twin on our birthday.

I'm going to miss sleeping without fear of cockroaches.

I'm going to miss watching fireworks at the Wolfe's and at RJ Basket for the 4th of July.

I'm going to miss Starbucks dates with Andrea.

I'm going to miss understanding everyone and everyone understanding me.

I'm going to miss texting or calling my friends and family.

I'm going to miss breadsticks at Circle K.

I'm going to miss Missions Month at my church.

I'm going to miss leaves changing color in the fall.

I'm going to miss wearing "hoodies".

I'm going to miss playing games in Walmart.

I'm going to miss my home and my neighborhood, where I've lived nearly my whole life.

There have been two family weddings and one family funeral since I've moved here. I already missed my youngest niece's first birthday and I'm going to miss her second birthday because I'll still be in New York. I'm going to miss many birthdays after that. I'm going to miss graduations. I'm going to miss weddings.

The only thing I probably won't miss is snow and winter.

I know I'll make new traditions. I know I'll love my life there. I know I'll make great friends. I know I'll enjoy time with my Filipino family. I know I'll make new hobbies. I know I'll have a great man on my side who loves me very much. ....

Lord, grant me the strength to do your will and to go where you want me to go. Help me to be brave like Ruth, Esther, and Abraham! Who as foreigners in the land were used in mighty ways. Help me to be supportive of my fiance/husband when he goes through the same things I'll go through in the Philippines.

A Week From Hell

So, basically this week has been that - a week from hell. Nothing has gone right. Not much has been enjoyable. There have been many disappointments and setbacks, frustrations, and failures. WAY more lows than highs. Family life isn't so great right now. The weather is crap. My internship this week was bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Some of the kids I work with lives really suck, and there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. I've realized how evil people can be. I've realized how dark souls can be are without Christ. Definitely a challenge to see the positives, though I'm forcing myself to think ahrd and find them.


I've also realized I'm terrible at taking care of myself. The whole hot topic social work words of "self care" have been the lowest priority on my list. I have not been able to process my terrible week, I just vent, which either makes me more mad or turns people of. I'm emotional, short on sleep, eating terribly, physically weak, spiritually exhausted, and loosing sight of my vision. I hurt someone very very very dear to me, and I'm scared of the consequences. *I do not want to lose you. I cannot lose you!*


One of the assignments for my "Integration of Christian Theology and Social Work" class is to read through a spiritual disciplines handbook and practice a different discipline each week. This week's theme is "Open Self To God" and one of the categories in it is Rest. Like whoa I need that. The challenge is to discipline myself by taking opportunities to Rest my Body and opportunities to Rest my Soul. The author said "we're human beings not human doings", which was like a 2x4 slap in my face. Maybe once I learn how to just be I'll be a more enjoyable person (enjoying life and opening up to let other's enjoy me). Eek, this is going to be a hard hard hard lesson to learn.

Feelings on grad school & a little lesson about sacrifice

Don't get discouraged by this blog, keep reading, I promise it gets better. But know this, this blog is as much for my own benefit as it is my readers' benefit.

Sadly enough, grad school is all it's cracked up to be. I've got some rough days ahead of me. My current stress level is... off the charts. I can't go to sleep because my mind will not shut down. I've organized my brains out trying to stay on top of assignments, papers, and exams. There's so much to do that seeing it all outlined on one excel spread sheet only makes me feel stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, and unprepared. To top it all off, I don't even start my full-time internship till next week. That will be 17 hours of class and 21 hours of internship. If I go by the old adage "3 hours of work for every 1 hour in class", that will add up to 51 hours of homework a week. (If I exaggerate this situation to the full extent... 51 hours of homework + 17 hours of class + 21 hours of internship = 89 hours. That means 6 hours of sleep each night and a very limited social life.) What's the possibility for all the necessary "self-care" they emphasized in undergrad?

So, for the sake of making this blog meaningful (though while you may view this as complaining, I see this as a valuable venting opportunity... if you disagree, don't tell me) I'll tell you what I'm going to do about this little conundrum (intricate and difficult problem) I find myself in.

First of all, my God is bigger than Grad school :) He is providing so many more teaching opportunities than "just" Social Work Practice with Families and Children. So here's the latest one that he has been repeatedly revealing to me.... so it must be a big deal!


I've been reading through the Bible in a year and I just finished the Old Testament (yay!). Lately, in the 'prophetic' books, God keeps telling His people that He won't accept their sacrifices as they are. Whether they were lame animals, animals with blemishes, not "the best of the best", broken sacrificial rules, or with impure motives. He wants their offerings & sacrifices from a pure heart. He wants the best they can give - the best of the best.

Read Amos 5: 21-23, Malachi 1: 6-14.

So how do I apply that to my own life? What I am facing and where I am now. The biggest offering I have right now is my commitment to grad school. I committed this commitment to Christ as my offering to Him, which should completely change my outlook on grad school. My approach to grad school should be as a learning opportunity - the best it can be. I don't want to do just enough to get by. And I don't want to focus on only getting A's (good grades). I want to get knowledge, skills, and experience. It is a time to learn. I want to FULLY commit myself to it and do the best I can FOR HIM. I want to be a steward to my education. I want to use this as an opportunity to HONOR and GLORIFY Him. To find my calling and niche - and through social work avenues to spread His joy, glory, and love to the whole world. I can't be consumed with a need for perfection (a useless way to spend my efforts). I want my focus on perfection to be perfection for Him. So if that means a B honors Him, then that should be good enough for me.

I don't want to put an academic offering of distraction, ill-preparedness, stress, or low-quality work on His throne. Besides a diploma on graduation day ;) - I want my reward to be better preparedness to serve Him - an eternal reward. The best thing is, I know this will result in multiple more life lessons - lessons about myself, relationships, cooperation, time-management, humility, maturity, patience, love, service, and God.

I can't imagine that I will be able to meet all of my family and friend's communication & relationship expectations... please don't be disappointed. If you see that I'm stressed, just love me and pray for me :)

One Busy Martha

A few days ago I read the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10. It still resonates in my as I'm trying to figure out how to live out the application.

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:38-42).

Mary and Martha are sisters with two very different personalities. Jewel and I are sisters with two very different personalities. I can definitely relate to Martha more than Mary. I wish this wasn't so, I wish I was more like Mary. In an essay I read (http://www.religioustolerance.org/kumasi01.htm) it calls this the the "Martha Syndrome and Mary solution". Martha is the one that's distracted; worried about getting her tasks done in a timely manner, always making preparations and thinking about the future. She's probably also a "people-pleaser" trying so hard that she puts her own needs aside. She can't sit down to enjoy whatever is going on. Mary is content, settling in to enjoy the fellowship. People are more important than time and tasks. She would rather hear from the Lord than accomplish her own tasks. And I'm more like Martha??? Yikes.

How can I get past the busyness of this time of the year to make sure I'm focusing on what's most important? Studying & finals, friends graduating, "moving" home, Christmas parties & preparations, shopping, grad school applications, and beginning an intense full-time internship.. it seems like the tasks, requirements, and activities never end. I don't think that just because my personality ('Type-A', shocker I know, haha) is bent towards Martha is an excuse. How do I stop being caught up in accomplishing my tasks when my tasks in-and-of themselves aren't bad? I'd like to say I have the right priorities, just not enough hours in the day, however that's a lame excuse. I need to cut something out, but what? I don't want this to be just something to help me through finals, but more of a lifestyle change. How do I slow down?

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church

In Chapel on Monday Jim "V" Vermilya talked about the international day of prayer for the persecuted Church, which is on Sunday, November 14. This is an issue that is near to my heart but very distant from my present reality. I've seen persecution first hand while on mission trips. The very first time was also my first time out of country. I was in Ensenada, Mexico working with a Pastor named Mario. He lived in a predominantly Jehovah Witness community. His neighbors did not like the presence (or power!) of the church so they dug a small trench and run their sewage directly in front of the church. Every time someone goes to church they have to pass over this. It stinks, real bad. However, this is still not the life-or-death persecution many other Christian believers face. Below is a map of restricted nations, areas where Christians are intensely persecuted for their faith.

So I think to myself What does this mean for me? I'm separated from this... chances of someone threatening my life because of my beliefs is slim to none. In all reality I'm not even faced with ridicule or rejection because of my beliefs. You could say this means I'm not doing enough, that I'm not friends with enough "non Christians." If I'm not being persecuted, why? God said we would be. But I don't look at it that way, I think I face a different kind of persecution, a more subtle form. Maybe my persecution comes in the form of people not wanting me to pursue my dreams and visions. They doubt what I can do and they doubt God's calling to do that. They fear for me more than I fear for myself.

Philippians 1:29

Philippians 12:1-13

Matthew 5:33, 34

Romans 12: 9, 14

John 15:18-20

I've really developed in boldness and steadfastness in proclaiming the gospel. I'm not perfect and I don't know what I'd do if i was ever placed in a situation where my life was at risk... but I hope I would remain as faithful to Him as He is to me!

While thinking about all of this I've really been thinking about my role in Kingdom work. Lately I have totally been dissatisfied with what I'm doing. I know that I'm growing closer to my Lord and deeper in my relationship of Love with Him. But, what about my impact on others? Am I taking advantage of every opportunity I'm given? Am I spending my time in full service for Him? I think the heart of the issue is that I'm tired of school. Yes it is a haven of spiritual growth and opportunity, but I also think that it is limiting me. I would rather be in the "real world" than in classroom settings. I would rather be practicing social justice than learning about shades, tints & tones in Fine Arts class....

Senioritis? I think so! I need to be patient. I need to take advantage of the opportunities I have. I need to stretch myself to grow as much as I can. If I can't do it here then how can I do it out there?!?! This is part of the path of God's plan for my life, and I've decided to try to make the most of it.

I'm spending my time for Him instead of myself. An awesome opportunity that began this week is that I'm leading a Bible study for the girls in my youth group. The Lord really spoke to me during my preparations, and I'm sure I got just as much out of it as the girls. Just because I'm "leading it" doesn't mean that i know everything. I'm really excited to see where this journey goes!

It's Not About Me

I've been reading "When God Whispers Your Name" by Max Lucado. It's an awesome book. The chapters are short and manageable - perfect to pull out for a little break between the stressors of my day. I started it at the beginning of the semester and I'm slowly working my way through it because its so good, I want to soak it all in. There are many chapters that i've read multiple times because I don't want to miss anything.

Anyways, my favorite chapter thus far is "The Choice." In essence it has changed me dramatically. My routine is different, my reactions and priorities are different, and its all because my mindset is different...

The chapter shows that in the midst of all the junk we face in life we have choices - choices of how to respond. The push is to respond in alignment with the Fruits of the Spirit, which are of the God which we are to imitate! Imitate means to use somebody or something as a model, attempting to copy an existing method, style, or approach - basically, to be or look like something else. The way we do that is by bearing what he bears - His fruit. What we produce is the basis of other's opinions of us, so if we produce what Christ produces then they should recognize that we are like Christ.

Galatians 5: 22, 23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

• I choose to love when I'm not loved in return. I choose to love when my natural reaction is judgement. I choose to love when it takes all of my energy. I choose to love what is different and uncomfortable. I choose to love in whatever form the other needs.
• I choose joy when it is easier to complain. I choose joy when it seems all life is against me. I chose joy when my spirit is hardened. I choose joy when resentment feels better. I choose living in Christ's joy instead of the world's happiness.
• I choose peace when all else is in conflict. I choose peace when retaliation is more fun. I choose peace in knowing I am forgiven, and in forgiving others. I choose peace when it means in making amends I must admit fault even when it isn't min.
• I choose patience when it doesn't accomplish anything. I choose patience when my tasks are long and the time is short. I choose patience when someone is really testing me. I choose patience when it puts my selfish priorities aside.
• I choose kindness when I haven't been shown kindness. I choose kindness when I don't feel sympathetic. I chose kindness when others are different than me. I choose to show kindness in words and actions.
• I choose goodness when dishonesty would be easier. I choose goodness when it means I have to sacrifice. I choose goodness even when I won't get recognition for it. I choose goodness even when nobody would catch me in my sin.
• I choose faithfulness when I want to go back on my word. I choose faithfulness when another option is better. I choose faithfulness when I don't feel committed anymore. I choose faithfulness when that which I am being faithful to is not faithful to me.
• I choose gentleness when harsh-words are natural. I choose gentleness when I can only get what I want by force.  I choose to only raise my voice in praise and clench my fists in praise. I choose to only be rough with myself when making demands.
• I choose self-control when my natural instinct is to react in anger. I choose self-control when it means getting ready of something when I can't control it. I choose self-control when my desires are strong. I choose self-control when I'd rather out act.

I just finished Eccesiates (1:1-11 is my favorite!) this morning. It's the "everything is meaningless" book. If you don't read it with the right understanding you'll likely get confused. The writer is not pessimistic, he is only emphasizing how a life not centered on God and holiness is meaningless. Without Christ, nothing can satisfy (wisdom, pleasures, work, etc - it's all meaningless and has no true reward). With Christ as the reason for life, we can gratefully receive the good gifts He gives and enjoy life. 

So, how am I making sure my life is not meaningless? .... Imitating Christ by sowing His fruits in my life. I'm using this for Kingdom-work instead of Jessie-work. Cause a life all about me is meaningless.

Modern Day Miracle

Last Friday God used me in a crazy way. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but eventually I caught on and I was amazed at how He orchestrated the situation. It was simple to me really, but to the girl God was having me reach out to it was huge. So, here's the story, I'll do my best to show the awesomeness of God's plan. This is probably going to be long but personally I think it's worth reading :)

Friday was homecoming which meant there was one massively huge chapel instead of two. As a chapel scanner I normally arrive at chapel around 9:45 but this day I didn't need to be there till 10:25 to be ready for the 11:00 chapel. I woke up early to talk to some friends in the Philippines, had a great time, then had plenty of time to finish getting ready for my day. "Mistakenly" I started getting ready at 9:00 (planning on being there at 9:25) instead of 10:00. So I arrived at the chapel building, confused as to why it was so empty - the computers to scan weren't even set up. It was just the chorale members who were arriving early to practice. At this point I still hadn't realized my "mistake" of arriving 1 hour early. So, I sat down to wait for other scanners and read a magazine.

The student secretary came up and asked me if I was just here early for scanning. I just assumed she didn't know I had to be there at 10:25 and really everyone else was late. So I said yes, then she asked me a strange question. "There is a chorale girl who feels like she is going to have a seizure. Can you sit with her so the other chorale members can practice?" I said, "uhh, sure," thinking that I was crazy to do such a thing - I am possibly the least medical person you know. If this girl actually has a seizure I would not know what to do! I walked into the dark room where the girl was seated with two of her friends. They thanked me for coming and said "she feels like she's gonna have a seizure, thanks for sitting with her." Then left, I was like Gee, thanks. Now what do I do? If this girl really has a seizure, I don't have the slightest clue what to do. So, I just sat there and waited.

After awhile the silence grew awkward. I didn't know what the girl was feeling, aside from the supposed crumminess that an on-coming seizure makes you feel. So, I started to strike up a conversation, not knowing if she wanted silence or a distraction. She enthusiastically responded to most questions, so I thought the break in silence was okay. Quickly my heart went out to this girl - what kind of life it must be to be plagued with this illness and the constant fear of having a seizure at any moment. She took meds together that she shouldn't have and was assuming the blame herself for causing the pre-seizure symptoms. After the conversation died down (I mean really, what is there to talk about in a situation like that? The weather, the colts? I don't think so...) I continued to pray for her in my heart. I prayed for healing, peace, comfort, encouragement, and that the Lord's will would be seen and done in her and I. After about 15 minutes of prayer I would lose words, then there'd be awkward silence till I couldn't bare it any longer, we'd attempt a conversation, and then I'd start praying in my heart again.

So I get to looking at the clock and think chapel should start any minute... then it hits me... and I realize that it's only 9:45 at this time and I didn't have to be there till 10:25. Humbly I admit to you that I was frustrated that I arrived so early when in reality I could've returned to bed and got a nice long nap before coming. But, then my second thought was the reason for writing this story. I honestly believe God ordained me to arrive there 1 hour early just to sit with this girl. It was not a mistake to Him that I came early - it was part of His plan the whole time! I was humbled that He would use me in such a simple way. But I still had no clue what that meant - if this girl had a seizure I would be of no help at all. Either way, I accepted this as a responsibility and continued to fervently pray for her.

Then the girl told me she was really nauseous and then pulled a trash can close and was literally huddled around it. Maybe you knows this and maybe you don't - but I do not deal well with vomit; chances are high that if this girl lost it, then i would lose it too. Again, this girl had no idea who I was. She was weak and in a vulnerable state. I'm sure she would have preferred to be with her friends or family, not a stranger. I know that when I'm sick I want left alone. But, how could I leave her now? I could not do such a thing! She needed someone there with her, though I was not really qualified (medically), I was the only one there to do it, in fact I'm the one who was called to do it.

Eventually I felt the spirit's conviction to talk to this girl about how I thought the Lord led me there. But, I kept giving myself excuses why I shouldn't. When she was super nauseous, I told myself she just needed quiet so she could rest. When the chorale was loud with practicing, I told myself that I would have to speak too loud above them to be heard. I told myself that it is just a coincidence, I told myself that prayer will be enough, and I told myself that I'd look like an idiot sharing this with her. I didn't know anything about this girl's faith or conviction, whether she's in a deep relationship with the Lord, a shallow one, or none at all. I didn't feel like I was qualified to share with her (dumb feeling) like I wasn't qualified to take care of her medically. Eventually the conviction won out and I shared. I just worked up the nerve and once the first words came out I was fine.

"You know, I arrived really early by mistake today. But, I don't think it was a mistake. I think God sent me early so I could sit with you so that you don't have to be alone. It's a pretty simple task. While I hope and pray that you don't have a seizure and that you feel better soon, I know God is here and He's working with a purpose." She just smiled and looked down. Then I told her I'd been praying for her and will continue as long as I'm in the room and she's feeling ill. At that point she smiled even bigger, looked up at me, and said thanks.

I don't know what that meant to her. I don't know if it made a lasting impact or not. What I do know is that we serve a mighty King and I was obedient to His calling. Surely she was encouraged like I was to know of God's faithfulness in the midst of trouble and how He uses His servants in simple ways to reach out.

Less than 10 minutes later I asked her how she was feeling and she said she didn't think she was going to have a seizure anymore - the feeling completely passed. I had goosebumps when she told me. You know what I think? What I know? God healed her - He answered prayers and touched her body. I consider this a miracle. I can only think that if I would've verbalized my witness to her earlier that He would have healed her earlier. Nonetheless, God worked in His perfect timing and used me to be a part of this. I know I learned a lesson from this - to be obedient to His calling and vocalize my faith. I'm still praying for that girl (whose name I left out for privacy). Not necessarily that she's still seizure free, though that's important, but more importantly that her eyes are open to God's work in her life!

I think I'd willingly sacrifice a nap any other day for something like that to happen again!

From Haiti to Honduras to the Philippines

Before my birthday I sat down and replayed life in my head. I thought about all the people, places, events (good and bad), and opportunities God has blessed me with. Those things have all played a part in shaping the woman I am today; I've learned so much and have been stretched. In reflecting on the past 22 years, I am amazed and truly in awe of God's hand in my life. I can look back and see how He has orchestrated things perfectly, in a way that I could never see at the time. He shut doors of opportunities, sometimes infuriating me, though now I can see why and how it really was for my good. I'm going to talk about one of those now. I'll do a more general birthday post later.

In March 2009 my great friend Mackenzie and I began to talk and dream about leading a World Impact missions team to Haiti. She'd been there multiple times and felt God calling her there. I was enthusiastic and passionate about missions, pretty much willing to go anywhere if even only once. I'd been to the neighboring country of the Dominican Republic a few years before and was excited about the prospect of ministering on the other side of the island. So, together Mackenzie and I interviewed with Steve Pettis, Jeff Miller, and Julia Hurlow. A week after the interview World Impact said we weren't allowed to go to Haiti due to risk management issues, but that we were accepted as team leaders and could pick another destination for approval. I was confused and frankly angry. The door was shut.

Mackenzie and I were shocked and upset. We had prayed intently and dreamt big. We didn't have peace about their decision but there wasn't anything we could do. Mackenzie still felt called to Haiti so she decided to go anyways without the umbrella of the school, but I still wanted to be a team leader. So, we started praying for each other and our new direction. The school said there was a need in Honduras, a country I've already been to. I quickly became interested in this new prospect - I was familiar with the language, comfortable with the culture, and excited about returning to a country I've already been to and work with missionaries I knew (something that was on my bucket list). A new door was opened.

Then I got in contact with the World Gospel Missions organization and they informed me that the missionaries I wanted to work with (Travis & Lori Hawk) were no longer serving on the field. If I still decided to go there (Escuela El Sembrador) I would be working with new missionaries. I was so disappointed. I already knew that I wouldn't know any of the new students and now I learned that I wouldn't know anyone. It would be a totally new experience. I felt like they might as well send me to the jungles of Africa (which would have been cool too!). Again, I didn't have peace about this. I was so frustrated. Another closed door.

So fast-forward a few months to May when I went on a World Impact team with Steve Pettis, the director of World Impact, as team leader. We decided that after the trip we would get together and talk about another new destination for me to lead a team the following summer (this summer). My team went to the Philippines and worked with Jun Rafael and Joel Pascua - two amazing men of God. We did VBS's on various islands and I fell in love with the people and the culture. The team was the first team that Joel hosted and he didn't want it to be the last. He talked with Pettis about another team returning next summer, but Pettis said he couldn't promise anything. I overheard this conversation and my heart leaped, like I had a call that I should be the one to bring a team back. I pulled Pettis aside later and we talked about this. He was very supportive and suggested I talk with Joel about it. So, I did and Joel was so enthusiastic about it - we made plans for my return with a team. The door of opportunity opened!

So now as I think about that - the swell of emotions I experienced, especially the pain and frustration - I realize that it was for my good even though I didn't see it at the time. God's plan wasn't for me to go to Haiti or return to Honduras - His plan was for me to return to the Philippines! What if I would have gone to one of those places instead of the Philippines? I may not have had the team that I took this year, which means those relationships wouldn't exist. I would not have developed the deep friendship with Jun and Joel. I would not have gotten to see all those people again - the pastors and the kids. I would not have met MJ or May-Anne, Robin or Marc, Dennis or Grace, Francis or Leah, Michael or Joshua, Ronald or Romhar, Reyn or Elymar, or Mark and Daislyn. My only tour-guide would have been Algen (yikes), no Jerome. I wouldn't have eaten ice-cream with Richard again, I wouldn't get to play with Jed and Aiah. I wouldn't have visited all those new places. I wouldn't have ministered in Mindoro or at Onesimo. I wouldn't have killed any ipis (though I wouldn't consider that a regret). I wouldn't know the pleasure of jackfruit. I couldn't say I actually tried balut or dinuguan or bagoong. And, I wouldn't have met my Aldean Wayne! BUT God worked out His plans and I did all those things! He sent me 8,400 miles away to figure all this out - to find life and love and passion. I am so so so glad :)

This was not just an open door of opportunity, it was an open door to a new chapter of my life. I must remind myself of this lesson the next time He shuts a door in life. He knows what needs to happen to have a happy ending. He always does what is best for me. I hope He does whatever it takes, even when I'm obstinate and stubborn, or yell at Him for messing up my plans. I must remember that He wrote my life story.

Moments to cherish:

Irresistible Revolution 2

Economics of Rebirth

As a Christian, my purse should be spent differently than before I was a Christian. Money is one of the most common topics in the New Testament, therefore it's pretty important.

Shane Claiborne said, "I'm not convinced that Jesus is going to say, 'When I was hungry, you gave a check to the United Way and they fed me,' or, 'When I was naked, you donated clothes to the Salvation Army and they clothed me.' Jesus is not seeking distant acts of charity. He seeks concrete acts of love: 'you fed me... you visited me in prison... you welcomed me into your home... you clothed me.'" Have I consistently done this or do I too easily rely on my gifts of money to empower others to do it? When I let others do it... I am kept in a separate world from the poor. Inequality is cautiously controlled but not eradicated.

"Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?'" - Proverbs 30:8, 9.

When I get dressed I wear a different outfit than the day before. When my clothes are dirty I put them in the washing machine. When I go outside I pick from lots of shoes. When I'm thirsty I get a clean class of cold water. When I'm hungry I open the fridge or cabinets and eat whatever I want. When I don't like food, I throw it away. When I'm cold I turn up the heat; when I'm hot I turn up the air conditioning. When I'm dirty I shower. When I'm bored I turn on my entertainment system. When I'm tired I lay down in my own bed. When I want to go somewhere I have a car I can drive, and when it's out of gas I refill it. I went to an expensive, private, Christian school; now I go to an expensive, private, Christian university. When I'm sick I go to the doctor. When I want something, I buy it. When I sleep I'm not fearful of my safety. Even worse - when I do all these things I don't think twice.

Again, Claiborne says, "True generosity is measured not by how much we give away but by how much we have left, especially when we look at the needs of our neighbors." The early Christians taught that charity is merely the rich returning to the poor what they stole.

Isaiah 58:6, 7 says, "Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?" When I fast... is that how I do it?

When the church becomes a place of brokerage rather than an organic community, she creases to be alive.... she ceases to be something we are - the living bride of Christ. The church becomes a distribution center - a place where the poor come to get stuff and the rich come to dump it off. . . . Is the organization meeting the needs or is the organism? Jesus did not organize a "program" but rather personified the reign of God through love. Needs are met by His infection of love through us. BUT 1 Cor 13:3 says, "If i give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the glames, but have not love, I gain nothing.". . . you figure it out!

"'Truly I tell you,' Jesus replied, 'no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields - along with persecutions - and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first" - Mark 10:29-31. Rather than accumulating stuff for ourself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting in God alone for providence.

Though I've lived more simply this summer than ever before...God is speaking to me... calling me... and I'll be honest... I'm scared of what it means.

Still Learning Lessons at Home

Well, it's official, i've been home a week now. It feels like it has been forever. I miss being there - all of the experiences & opportunities I had and especially fellowshipping with my friends! I am happy to be home though, it is a good opportunity for me to reflect on what I've learned and live it out. If i don't find ways to apply what I realized and learned... then in the end I'd waste those opportunities. For me, my trip was not about short-term pleasure, it's about long-term gain for the Kingdom, for myself and those I interacted with. As I've gotten older I realize that because we were put on this earth to worship, praise and glorify Him, then anyday that I don't do that... that I don't get closer to Him... is a waste of a day and the opportunities He's given. There are opportunities everywhere!

Now my biggest struggle is finding ways to maintain my fervor and excitement. It is so easy for me to become complacent and apathetic at home. Life is here so different, the relational culture here is almost opposite. I feel close to people yet far away at the same time. I'm trying to work-through experiences that no one else here understands... I need help & support yet feel like I have to do it on my own. So, I'm taking today for myself to reflect... to escape from the distractions. My devotional time has been great lately and I started a new book that is so inspiring and helpful. My goal is to read 1 book per week so I can keep learning & pushing myself. I still haven't gotten into a regular routine yet - which I recognize needs to happen.

One of the most exciting things that has happened since I've been home is going out to eat & for coffee with Amber, who also just got back from doing her internship in Argentina. So, we spent 3-4 hours just talking about our experiences, what we've learned, and how we're struggling now. It was such a refreshing and encouraging time. She is really the first person that I've got to show all my pictures & tell lots of stories too, which is so much fun to do! I really feel blessed to have that opportunity, it was something that I emotionally needed! God just provides the best opportunities at perfect timing. I'm so glad that He loves me!

As a reminder to myself, I need to continue to process what I've learned. The biggest lessons for me were
simplicity & being content
(I'm so blessed!),
importance of relationships as a form of ministry,
taking advantage of every opportunity to pour myself into others
(and let them do the same to me!),
to not let the little things bother me
(keep my attitude in check),
to strengthen my faith &
fully rely on Him for everything (especially emotions),
to read the Word more consistently (in a year) &
memorize more of it, to seek His will for my life
(He has awesome plans for me),
and to always be willing to learn. .
It's not that I've never learned these lessons before, well some of them I haven't, but for others this trip just served as a really good reminder. Like I was hit in the face with conviction of my inadequacy and ungrateful attitude. I'm committed to living out these lessons and making some huge life changes... I just hope that others notice :)

Perfect Timing

Yesterday morning I went with MJ, Joel and his family to a pastors convention. I got to see lots of friends, which was nice. There were 3 seminars and we stayed for the first 2. The first was on "bringing order to the church". Most of it was in Tagalog but thankfully the power-point was English, so I could still learn some :) Afterwards we broke up into groups and I went with the young pastoras and we talked about what we learned. The biggest points were on partnering in team work, continuous learning, having accountability, practicing the sabbath, being bold & vocal, be relational - build friendships, and being open with the senior pastor. In the past couple of years my pull towards ministry has grown, which is why I added a focus on urban ministries with social work. Anyways, it was just a really good time of fellowship with other ladies who are facing the same kind of things as me, except they're already in the field i'm just preparing for. I struggle a lot with the language barrier, it gets lonely sometimes, and its hard to talk things through with people.

Then this morning I woke up feeling rather empty, which is ironic since Saturday was such a refreshing day. For whatever reason the devil just attacked my spirit hard and I felt inadequate and dry. I've been spending so much time in the Word, prayer, and devotions but my time Saturday was cut short. I prayed then read for awhile and still felt so distant, I couldn't get focused. I grabbed some breakfast and came back to my bed - still crying out for God. I had 1.5 hours before Sunday school - i was not going to give up! I got a really encouraging text from Joel and one from Andrea at home. I prayed again and played some worship music. During "Desert Song" I broke with tears. God reminded me of the promises I needed to hear. Then "Desire" by Phil Wickham. Those 2 songs refreshed my spirit enough to give me focus. I sat in silence (the Lord even quieted the dog - hallelujah!) and solitude for 45 minutes. I felt absolutely amazing afterwards. I learned that sometimes I just need to slow down. I can't ever do anything to be adequate, though I want much more than adequacy. Reading the Bible isn't always an "automatic fix" either (though it can provide the perfect answers. For me, silence & solitude forces me to rely on His strength instead of my own (because in my own strength I get way too bored!). It was the quality time I needed with my King. I went into the worship service ready to sing my heart out and again the Lord met me.

GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME,

THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD

Pascua Pamilya

The Pascua pamilya holds a very special place in my heart. They've opened their home and lives to me this year, that is something I could never thank them for enough. They've introduced me to some of my favorite parts of Filipino culture, and some of my not so favorites ... like bagoong. I've known them only one year but I'll never forget them. They are family to me now! Joel is like an older brother to me. He approaches me with advice and encouragement - he guides me in ministry and in life. We've had so many priceless moments together - memories full of laughter, love, and vulnerability. We've had so many indepth conversations - heart to heart talks - about life, love, and spirituality. He encourages me and convicts me. In our time together he has taught me so much, especially the importance of loving others... developing relationships is part of ministry! I don't have younger siblings, but his kids are that to me. When i'm having a rough day they lighten the mood, bringing lots of laughter. We have many inside jokes. I love spending time with them. I didn't cry when i left last year... or when my team left this year... but when I'm at the airport on June 25 I know i'll shed a tear, or two, or many.

I love you guys! Thank you for accepting me and loving me! I can't wait for more happy memories in the next week and even for the years to come!

Joel is always involved in ministry with us He loves the kids and the kids love him

With Joel and Richard at Baker's Hill in Palawan

They are the best kuyas!

Joel knows what i love - watermelon!

And treats me very well!

The family on our last night together last year

The kids got so big in one year!

Joel and I at the airport last year Happy because we knew I would be returning!

Jed and Aiah hanging out in my room!

With Joel & Richard for Megan's despedida

At De Villa Eschuvera

They find the best places! ~ We ate under the waterfall
Jeepney ride with Jed and Aiah :) They practically sat on top of me the whole time... But i loved it!!!
On our last night together last year Being ridiculous in restaurants... as normal ;)
Making faces at Holy Cow.There's never a dull moment when us 3 are together! We did this lots last year too!

Joel and his lovely half, Lenny

They celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary June 6

Joel being himself! Crazy and sweaty!
Joel & Richard make a cute pair
Sleeping silently (for once!)

Check out that earring!

Getting lunch for island hopping
Sistah!

Change of Plans

Tuesday, June 8

I'm soaking in memories here. Memories that are going to last forever, I know it.

Last Tuesday we were supposed to paint at Onesimo but i didn't work out. We got a text on the way there that said we couldn't go anymore... we had to change plans. Initially I was frustrated, because I waited all day yesterday for this opportunity. But, then the boys found another ministry opportunity. So we (Joel, some Bagong Nayon youth, and I) went and hung out with kids (yay!). We had an amazing time. We were there for what seemed like forever waiting on kids - the boys threw rocks down the cliff and Joel taught me Tagalog. When the kids showed up we sang songs, told a story, played games, and had a merienda. Robin sang and danced for them while Marc showed them some magic tricks.

There was a sweet little boy named John Paul that just clung on me. He was shy at first but I cracked his shell and he jumped all over me and smiled and had a fantastic time. The kids took our hands and walked us around everywhere. I wish I had more than 2 hands because there were multiple kids hanging all over me and I wanted them all. I almost always had John Paul on one hand and Jules on the other with a little girl grabbing my leg. It was very tiring but I wouldn't trade that day for anything. I tried jackfruit and it was so good. Then we went to Aldean's to eat and I met his family. He gets to see his nieces and nephews all the time and it makes me jealous sometimes, haha.

The boys with a gorgeous view behind them.Robin, Joel, Marc and Rohmar

When Aldean arrived the kids surrounded him. They love him! It was a lot of fun to watch!John Paul is in blue and the boy with the huge smile is Jules.
I love it
Marc and Robin are exhausted and can't keep up with our energy.
Taking a break at the top of the hill. John Paul is still on me :)

Continuously on this trip I'm learning to soak in the little moments... to make myself aware of the ministry opportunities around me... to lighten up and enjoy what's happening...

He loves me!

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...

In the midst of prepping for my message tomorrow I was blessed. I have literally spent hours alone in my room reading and praying and writing, then erasing and starting all over again. I thought I knew what I wanted to say - the message I wanted to get across... but that's the problem for all those hours, it was the message I wanted to share. I realized this through writing - journaling and debriefing - I didn't know where I was going so I just went on a tangent. Then it hit me. Instead of Him loving me how about I love Him?!?! So, you may think the title of this post and the song lyrics are misplaced if I want to talk about my love for Him, not His love for me. But its HIS love that makes me capable of loving Him.

I'm using portions of Psalm 139 as the text. Verses 17 and 18 say,
How precious to me are your thoughts O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I'm still with you.Then I started to think about what those thoughts might be... I came up with a list:

* When we'll spend time together next

* The last time we spent quality time together

* What I said to Him in our last conversation

* The things He tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen or respond

* Whether or not I show Him that I love Him

* The last love gift I gave Him

* What the future holds for us together

* How much He loves me

Yikes, I don't know about you but to me that is a scary list to think about my Lord answering. He is the Lover of my soul but do I really give Him enough of me? Do I love Him with 100% of what I am. Do I take enough time to show Him that I do? Does my love for Him overflow and affect the rest of my day? Do I walk, talk, and act differently? Do I have a smile on my face because of Him? Can my thoughts about Him each day be numbered? Whoa... that's a lot to think about. I know for sure this has given me the desire to refocus and re-prioritize.

On a different note, I also want to love others with the love that He has given me. As a social worker - someone with a passion for curing social injustices, for ministering to the needy and vulnerable... how easy is it for me to love the unlovable? Sure, my definition of unlovable is probably different than yours... and that's okay. This is just a personal conviction I need to work on...

God is GOOD - ALL the time!

Hi =D Okay, so i'm having the time of my life here in the Philippines... but, I have to admit that sometimes I still do struggle here. Wednesday was one of those days...

We painted all day at Onesimo's drop in center (which i'll talk about in another post). While I had a great time talking and laughing with the youth I still left feeling really discouraged. I came home and met more discouragement because Joel is leaving tomorrow for Mindanao and will be gone for 4 days. I feel fine that he's gone but things will be different without him here. We talk a lot and he listens to me debrief, he teaches me things, and encourages me. Texting just won't be the same. He is the best Kuya to me :)

After dinner they were having prayer meeting at the church but I just came back to my room. Joel said I needed rest and I knew that I needed quiet time. I didn't want to be alone though... I was so upset that my stomach hurt. I needed to talk to someone. I thought of who would be perfect - Andrea. I'd talked to her just 2 days before and knew she'd be the one to tell me what I wanted and needed to hear. I was to the point of tears - okay maybe there were tears - I prayed that she'd be on and then I signed into facebook. Guess what? God answered my prayer and she was on.

We talked and our conversation was exactly what I needed to hear. She gave me spiritual and emotional affirmation. She prayed for me - that woman is a warrior through thick and thin. It doesn't really matter what I was struggling with.. but God met us right where we were - 12 time zones away. He came and filled us with His presence. He renewed our zest and passion. He encouraged us in the ways that He loves us and uses us .


Oh Lord, thank you for making me a woman who is capable of anything when You are the Master of my plans. I know it doesn't seem easy, but even when i am angry and hurt I know that I can call out to You! You will hear me and answer me You love me and want only what is best for me . Your love elevates me; it covers my sins, hurts, and weaknesses; and strengthens me with peace and direction. You empower and encourage me; You are so faithful and good to me. I am so excited to see how You are using me and where You will take me. I trust You with whatever You have in store for my life. I feel blessed and know that I am perfect in You - I am a daughter of the King. I'm so happy to get to know You more each and everyday as You reveal Yourself to me. You are my strength, my joy, my peace. I pray that through my life others can get even the smallest glimpse of Your holiness, purity, and love. Your love is the best love, my heart overflows with joy in You. Thank You for showing this to me today. Forever yours in perfect love.

Jessica Jane

Cainta Wesleyan Church

This morning Micah and I went to Cainta for church. Its at the Wesleyan Academy - so nice (it had air conditioning!) We had to take 2 tricycles, 2 jeepneys, and a taxi to get there. An hour later we arrived. It had been pouring down rain (with only 1 umbrella) so we were soaked and our feet were gross. We got there and met the Pastor who took us to a Sunday School class. At first i wasn't excited about it... but God slapped me in the face with a wake-up call and I was so so so blessed!
Here's what I wrote in my journal...

Sunday school was on James 4:13-17 and entitled "Boasting about Tomorrow." It him me as to how I'm approaching situations I'm dealing with here. The ice-breaker was sharing where we see ourselves being in 2 years and in 5 years. They called on me to go first (sure, we can pick on the whitey!). The lesson shared that we can't control the future, tomorrow is unsure, and life is short. We need to approach things as the Lord wills (Acts 18:21 and 1 Corinthians 16:7). It is boastful arrogance when we think we can plan and take control from God. he knows and contorls our future, so we should consult/entrust our plans to him. Not only that - but he loves us and wants whats best for us. We don't always know whats in our best interest.

God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. Becuase of His infinite wisdom, He knows our future. Because of his great power, He controls our future. Because of His everlasting love, He wants to guide us and give us a good future. Becauseof who He is, we can entrust our future to Him. But ironically, we sometimes would rather trust others. James redirects us to who and what really matters when it comes to planning our future...

How do we know the things we plan for are in accordance with His will? Answer: prayer, reading of the scriptures, silence and solitude with Him (quality time!), and seek Godly counsel (parents, pastors, & friends). He is the only one who can provide the right guidance, wisdom and peace to protect us (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and take us on the right course. This is especially important for me to pay attention to right now... I am praying to my loving God to commit to include Him in planning for my future and activities. I am making Him the Lord of my plans!

Onesimo

I am so excited. We finally got to go to Onesimo with Simon! When we picked him up to go we also picked up a family of 5 (a dad, his three sons, and their lola). They are from the squatter's village we visited earlier (Agham). Onesimo is a shelter for street kids - kids who come from abusive homes, are abandoned, neglected, orphans, children of addicts, or even addicts themselves. They provide shelter, clothes, food, tutoring, and the opportunity to have an actual childhood . There are 5 centers in Manila- for children and youth - with over 60 kids. We went to the children's center. Onesimo helps young people whose lives in the slums, or streets, are filled with hopelessness. Onesimo, they are introduced to a meaningful and restored life through Jesus Christ. Nonoy (14), had to work hard as a little boy, scavenging on the waste dump. His family broke up and he started sniffing glue. He says: "Here at Onesimo, I am experiencing a real family for the first time in my life."

The dad in the family we took is an alcoholic and cannot take care of his sons (4). The kids mom died of TB and their lola is getting too old to look after them the way they need to be cared for. So we took the family to Onesimo to see if the dad will let his sons (the 2 oldest) live there. The boys were so quiet, they reaked and looked malnourished, but they were adorable. The situation broke my heart - I'm nto sure if the boys knew what was happening or not. At one point Aiah (Joel's daughter, also came along) fell asleep on me and was snoring, the boys heard her and laughed. I wish I had the chance to bond with them... but it was such an awkward situation. They needed to spend their time together as a family. When we got there the family went to be interviewed. Onesimo is selective, so they interviewed the family to see if their situation is "desperate enough"... it sounds harsh but it really is best to do that. They want to make sure they're using their resources to provide for the neediest of kids. I'm not sure if the family was accepted (though I'm sure they were) or if the dad even agreed. I can't imagine making that decision - to give up your kids. I hope he agreed, what a true act of love - letting them go there to live because he knows that its really in their best interest, the way they can be loved, protected, provided for, and have hopes for a future.
Here is their website: http://www.onesimo.ch/en/startseite/

There are currently 12 or 14 kids staying there. It was a really nice facility. It is supported by "servants" (the same program Simon works with). Each kid is sponsored - around $20 a month. The kids can only stay there for 3 years and then Onesimo works to find another place for them, whether that's sending them back home (they also provide counseling and assistance for the families to make this possible) or another shelter/home. When the kids get there they don't have social skills or manners - they are independent and misbehaved. But in the short time i was there i could tell that this program has really changed their lives. The kids were so behaved. I was greeted with "good afternoon po." The kids came up and asked me to play with them. My heart melted in their big brown eyes. We played basketball; whenever i was standing still one 10 yr old boy just ran his fingers through my hair. I tried to give them all special attention but some just clung to me more than others.

The white guy is Daniel - the director of the center we went to.

Joel made connections with the director for me to do 1 week of my internship there. We will be painting part of the children's center, tutoring (teaching them to read and write) and helping in the street ministry to do "drop-in's". A "drop-in" is where Onesimo goes into a community and takes soap, bubbles, food, clothes, and games. They build relationships with the family and scope out kids who would benefit from staying at onesimus. This is exactly the type of program that I have dreamed of doing. I'm not sure what the opportunities are in the states because of the government regulations... but i know there are plenty of kids who would benefit. I don't want to be just involved in foster care/adoptions, or programs like the Boys & Girls club, YMCA, or After School Programs (that's an issue for another post). I am so torn and so broken over the degradation of our society. I ask God why I was blessed to be born into the life I live, why wasn't I born to a homeless family, a family in a squatter's village, a family where i'd be abused or neglected. I know He has a plan for me and I'm going to be as involved as possible to rid the WORLD of these social injustices.

I am so so so excited about going back - especially because there are only a dozen+ kids... I'll have quality bonding time with each of them!